Sunday, 22 November 2015

One step closer to freedom, I've quit being an enabler

I never thought I would be the person who could turn their back on someone who had nothing to eat and nowhere to sleep.  I never thought I would be that person who just walked away.  But that is exactly what I did on Friday evening.

When I met him he was big and powerful, I was young and weak.  My brother had just died and I was pouring booze and drugs down my neck at a terrible rate.  He came along and wanted to control me, and with me being so out of control, it was a perfect match. Fast forward 20 years, I no longer love him, don't need the booze, and don't need him ... and suddenly there he is ..... needing me.

It's taken me weeks to get out of this newly dysfunctional relationship.  Actually months.  It started with me visiting him while he was in psych, taking him cigarettes every week. Then after that, taking his phone calls where he would rant and rave about a world he hates.  When he had his first night on the street (I was out of town myself), I spent hours ringing around cheap accommodation, trying to find someone who would take him for a night at my expense.

On Friday I got the call.  He was in debt to the lodge he had been staying at and they were holding his bags until he could pay.  Would I, could I pay?  It was a lot of money.  I said no,  but at his insistence I went to see him.  I bought him food and gave him $40.  I went to his lodge and retrieved his medication (some prescription, some not so much) and handed it to him.  He told me he would probably die on the streets that night - I just hugged him goodbye and left.  I came home with such a heavy heart and blocked him from my phone and from my life.

According to  "In the context of alcoholism, an enabling relationship is one that makes it easier for the person with the addiction to continue in their destructive lifestyle. In most cases, enablers are well-intentioned and believe that their actions are beneficial to the alcoholic. However, the opposite is usually the case."

It then goes on to say "Only by stepping back from this toxic relationship can the enabler hope to recover their sense of self, and truly help the alcoholic they care about."  And now I see it - he controlled me for so many years, and by stepping in and becoming his enabler now, in a sick sort of way I have let him control me again.  It's destructive for me, and it is certainly no helping him.

I still feel very sad about it, and fear that I will be at his funeral one day soon.  But I have picked away another part of this puzzle which is my addictive life and found another little piece of freedom.

Saturday, 14 November 2015

It's time to STOP dammit!

It has been a long time since I have written just for me (and for anyone else who cares to listen).  I've been busy with work, and the little I do write tends to be with my wonderful community over at Living Sober.  But, I have been thinking I wanted to start re-recording my journey, because although nothing has changed, everything is changing.  I feel like a new chapter may be about to begin.

When I last wrote I was in the throws of giving up coffee.   Well, I succeeded.  I still have some caffeine (tea) but am not throwing coffee down my throat in copious amounts.  I do miss it, but boy have my anxiety levels come down.  I feel so much better for it, and it's fantastic for my bank account!

So booze has gone, coffee has gone - what is next for me?  I do believe that a form of self-care and peacefulness is where I am headed next.  It's the next part of my journey.  Over the years I have understood that I, with my high anxiety high stress life, am in desperate need of some sort of mindfulness practice.  When I have attempted it the benefits have been vast - but I have never stuck at it. "Too busy" I say ...  "you are going to break down if you continue like this" something deep within me replies.  So, I have begun to read, talk to people, think .... most important seek.

Maybe, just maybe, it's time for ME to stop dammit!

Saturday, 20 June 2015

I just have a bad week sometimes

It's just been a bad week.  Nothing drastic, no big tragedy, but kind of tough.  I'm on week 3 of my new eating plan, its gone OK, but not as well as the first two weeks, so I slap myself.   Work has been crazy, the weather has been shit, and I haven't managed to run, so I slap myself.  I made a call at work that was a tough one, and even though I think it is the right call, the decision making leading up to it wasn't as sound as it could be.  Slap slap slap.  I am so behind on work, SO behind.  SLAP!

I've  noticed I have these bad weeks.  About one in four.  Is it PMT?  I'm not sure.  But I have these weeks where I beat myself so badly, and lose motivation for all that is good.

I'm trying to learn what to do with these weeks.  Do I just ride them out?  Let them be and drift through them (what's a week without running huh?)? Or should I somehow act?  Motivate myself to move no matter what?

Drinking? I am not and I wont.  That my friends is the biggest and best thing of all, no matter how good or bad my week is.


Monday, 8 June 2015

Being kind to myself

Week one of eating and living healthier complete, and I do feel good.  I  know I have a long way to go though, and it's about a lot more than "eating right".  It's about being really, truly kind to myself.  It's about eating right because it makes me feel good, and it's about going to bed early because I know I need that sleep, and that I should prioritise it.  It's about skipping out for that run, not because I feel fat, or "ought" to, but because it is something great and wonderful I can do for me!

I work hard.  Very hard.  I am also very hard on myself.  I see every fault, I know every flaw.  It would be very easy for this next part of my journey to be about me trying to improve myself yet again - but I am going to try hard for it to not be that.  I want to do it because I love myself.  And that my friends, may be the hardest thing to keep consistent of all.

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

I don't want to be an addict

Day three into giving up coffee has reminded me very soundly that I do not want to be addicted. To anything.

327 days sober, which is the most important thing - but the last few days of headaches, severe grumpiness, and flu like symptoms, has shown me that I really don't want to filter too much crap through my body at all.  I want to just be free of it all.

A couple of other things that have come to me through the last few days:
  1. Giving up something you are hooked on sucks.  I am reminded to have empathy with people much earlier in their sober journey than me - because alcohol is a damn sight harder to kick (and way more important) than coffee.
  2. I don't concentrate so much on wanting to drink when I am thinking about the good things I want to do for myself.  It works to think about healthy eating and exercise, it's a positive thing - I am not "losing" drinking (or coffee), I am gaining better health.
So on that note my friends, I check out.  Some nice herbal tea, and a cuddle on the couch with my partner. Good night my friends xx

Monday, 1 June 2015

20 Golden Weeks, beginning now

A few weeks ago I went and listened to a guy speak, Jason Shon Bennett.  I'd read his first book, along with some other similar material, and was quite inspired by what I read.  Listening to Jason in person has me even more inspired, so I signed up to one of his programmes (20 Golden Weeks) and am now about to start a new journey for four months at least. 

Today I gave up coffee. I thought I'd be fine, because I have been cutting down for a couple of weeks, but today has been awful!  I feel like shit!  I can't concentrate and have been yelling at my family.  In fact, I can't even writing.  I am only writing now because I have promised myself I will record this journey faithfully.

So forgive the errors, actually don't even read this post if you care about well written work!  I just had to get it down.  Shit.

Days sober: 325

Wednesday, 27 May 2015

No Coffee?

As of 1 June I stop drinking coffee for 20 weeks.  And the rest.  I enter a four month programme aimed at taking my diet and lifestyle back to the healthy basics.  That means 8 hours sleep a night, plant based eating, no coffee, no alcohol (win), lots of sprouts, fermented food etc. etc.  I have been doing a lot of reading about this sort of lifestyle and I have decided it's time to give it a try.  I think that by stopping drinking I have seen what my life can become when I remove a crutch, and now I am curious as to what happens if I begin to remove the other crutches.  None of it will be as drastic for me as stopping the boozing, as that was destructive in so many ways - but I do think I might be surprised at the benefits it does have.

This is a 20 week experiment.  If there is no significant benefits of from living this way, I will simply cease.  I am interested however to see.  I will report my progress here. :)

320 days sober.